Little Red Riding Hood (Granny’s Version)

It’s Mother’s Day in the UK today so I thought I’d share this little tale I wrote for my mother’s birthday last year.

Little Red Riding Hood (Granny’s Version)

Once upon a time there was a fairytale with a fundamental flaw.

It’s true that Red Riding Hood met a big, bad wolf in the forest, and it’s true that she gave the wolf Granny’s address. It’s also true that Granny was in bed, but she wasn’t ill, she’d just knocked back one too many the night before and was taking it easy, listening to Radio 4 and enjoying the peace and quiet. Everyone knew about Granny’s penchant for strong Martinis.

When the wolf knocked at Granny’s door, she wasn’t fooled for a second. She grinned and sprang into action. It was perfect timing, too, since she’d been looking for a wolf skull to add to her collection. The last time a wolf had tried his luck she’d been a little heavy handed with the hammer, although she’d got a nice pelt out of it. This time she’d be more careful.

Poor Mr Wolf didn’t stand a chance.

So what about the rest of the story? Well, Red Riding Hood still had to be taught a lesson about talking to strangers, didn’t she? And what better way to drum the message home than to scare her witless.

So you see, it wasn’t the wolf that dressed as Granny, but Granny that dressed as the wolf dressed as Granny, if you see what I mean. Not the actual wolf who’d just come knocking at the door, of course – he was still a little fresh – so she fetched the skin she’d prepared earlier and slipped on her caftan over the top of the soft furry pelt.

Red Riding Hood was utterly convinced by Granny’s ruse, and screamed her little red heart out when Granny leapt out of bed dressed as the big bad wolf.

Everything went swimmingly until the woodcutter turned up, unannounced and surplus to requirements. With the woodcutter’s axe about to split her open, quick-thinking Granny whipped off the wolf-pelt and showed him her assets, proving how thoroughly unwolflike she really was.

And in true fairytale fashion, they all lived happily ever after.

Of course, Red chose to recount a slightly different version of events, one that didn’t make her out to be quite such a gullible fool. But we can’t really blame her for that. And the woodcutter? Granny won’t tell, but rumour has it that he stayed for supper.

And for breakfast too.

The End

Friday Fiction: The Wind in the Woods

I don’t normally go with the first idea that pops into my head, but this story practically wrote itself …

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http://rochellewisofffields.files.wordpress.com/2014/03/in_the_writhen_forest.jpg
Copyright-John Nixon

The Wind In The Woods

‘Freeze everybody! Someone’s coming!’ They all held their positions as a lone rambler approached.

Willow’s weekly Yoga For Trees classes were a huge success (she was even thinking about branching out), but they were going to have to find a more secluded spot. The constant human interruptions were an irritation.

A long, low, mournful creak broke the silence, followed by the pungent smell of rotting leaves and bark mulch. The rambler held her nose and hurried on her way.

‘I’m so sorry,’ Cherry said, her pink blossom darkening a couple of shades, ‘I just couldn’t hold it in any longer.’

(100 words)

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For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Friday Fiction: A Hundred Coffee Cups

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Copyright -Rochelle Wisoff-Fields
Copyright -Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

A Hundred Coffee Cups

Upstairs in the dilapidated building, barricaded in, protected from outsiders, the Genius is hard at work. The room is cluttered with whiteboards overloaded with Greek symbols and squiggly lines; a hundred coffee cups sit pointlessly, their contents long since congealed; top-heavy piles of books lie open, copious notes scrawled in the margins.

The Genius is close to solving the question, the Ultimate Question. The answer will change the world, change everything. The tension in the room is palpable, even the pen feels it, as it scribbles harder, faster.  The Genius leaps up.

‘Eureka!’ she yells, ‘That’s it! The answer is-‘

(100 words)

Damn that word count!

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For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Friday Fiction: Fugly and Fuglier

It’s been a while (again) but I thought I’d give this another go. Hope you like it 🙂

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Copyright Adam Ickes
Copyright Adam Ickes

Fugly and Fuglier

Under the bridge, the trolls, Fugly and Fuglier, were bored and hungry. Nobody had come trip-trapping across in months and they were beginning to lose their troll-mojo.

‘Man!’ said Fugly. ‘I need to get me some goat, like now!’

‘I’m so hungry,’ replied Fuglier. ‘I could eat a horse.’

‘Horse? Ewww! That’s gross. Nobody eats horses.’

‘They do in France,’ said Fuglier, who had travelled extensively in his youth.

‘Seriously?’

‘Mais oui,’ said Fuglier, showing off.

‘Oh shit!’ said Champion (the Wonder Horse), as he gingerly tip-toed back across the bridge and headed downstream to find somewhere safer to cross.

(100 words)

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For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Friday Fiction: If I Were A Koi

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Copyright - C. Hase
Copyright – Douglas M MacIlroy

If I Were A Koi

After choking to death on a fish-bone at the Happy Plaice, Mr Gove was reincarnated as a funfair goldfish. While some may find this amusing, Mr Gove was decidedly unimpressed. The young girl who won him at the fair skipped along merrily clutching her catch. As Mr Gove bounced about inside the plastic bag, he contemplated his lot.

‘I should’ve been a Koi, at the very least!’ he grumbled. ‘This is an outrage!’

An ill-placed stone, a tumble, a grazed knee and a split bag saw Mr Gove swiftly on to his next incarnation

…as a slug.

When will he learn?

(100 words)

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Disclaimer: Any resemblance between the Mr Gove in the above story and our very own fish-faced Secretary of State for Education, Michael Gove, is of course, entirely accidental. This is despite the fact that Michael Gove deserves to be reincarnated as a fish for screwing with my children’s education. Thanks to his latest ill-timed policy, my daughter’s exams have been cancelled days before she was due to sit them. Well done Mr Gove.  I wish you everything you deserve in this life and the next.

goveOK. Rant over. Let’s have some music. Here’s Beyonce singing the title song to my story: If I Were A Koi.

For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Friday Fiction: The Piano Whisperer

Happy Anniversary to Rochelle’s special brand of Friday Fiction! I’ve been gone a while, so I’m a bit rusty, but I hope you enjoy my little tale below.

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dismantled keyboard
copyright – Rochelle Wisoff-Fields

The Piano Whisperer

Although they did indeed live side by side on the piano keyboard, Ebony and Ivory did not live together in perfect harmony. They argued constantly, and anyone attempting to play their keys caused a cacophony that attracted cats from miles around.

In desperation, the keyboard’s owner called in the Piano Whisperer. He sat at the keyboard and leant in close.

‘Right you little bastards,’ he hissed. ‘Play nice or it’s off to the under-fives Musical Mayhem group, got it?’

The keyboard responded with a perfect rendition of Beethoven’s Ode To Joy.

And they all lived happily and harmoniously ever after.

(100 words)

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For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Friday Fiction: Scatterbrained

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Copyright - Douglas M. MacIlroy
Copyright – Douglas M. MacIlroy

Scatterbrained

As ditsy Penelope La Croix tumbled through the sky, her mind was all a-dither. Despite the exhilarating speed of her descent, she couldn’t help thinking she’d forgotten something very important.

‘Did I leave the iron on?’ she pondered, as she sped through the blanket of cloud. ‘Or did I forget to pay this month’s rent?’

‘Did I feed the cat?’ she worried as she hit three thousand feet. But it wasn’t that.

‘Wait, I remember! It was something the sky-diving instructor said…’

Penelope put her hands to her waist. The ground was approaching fast.

‘I’m supposed to pull the –

(100 words)

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I had loads of problems getting into people’s sites last week (including my own!) so didn’t get to read as many stories as I would’ve liked. Hopefully WordPress have sorted themselves out this week.

For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! And thanks to Doug MacIlroy for this week’s picture.

Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Friday Fiction: A Curious Prying Fellow

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Copyright -Anelephantcant
Copyright -Anelephantcant

A Curious Prying Fellow

When Norman’s tutor at the Peeping-Tom Academy discovered Norman was in his mid-forties, still lived with his mother and owned his own anorak, he was fast-tracked to Advanced Peepery.

After learning to drill holes without sawdust dropping through to the other side, the class headed to town with their cameras.

The trick, their tutor explained, is to look like you’re taking a picture of one thing, when actually, your focus is on something else entirely. Norman grasped the concept immediately and pointed his camera at an old bicycle.

The camera clicked and whirred. ‘Oh yes,’ murmured Norman. ‘Lovely, lovely legs.’

(100 words)

legs________________________________________________________________________________________________

It’s been a few weeks and I’ve really missed FF so it’s great to be back! Did you miss me as much as I missed you?

For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Friday Fiction’s Sunday Surprise: The Dog and the Tree

I’m not well, light sensitive headaches which mean I have to keep my screen time to a minimum. This means I can’t contribute to this week’s Friday Fiction which is killing me, so I thought I’d share this amazing video done by Kent Bonham of one of my earlier Friday Fiction stories instead. It arrived a couple of Sundays ago, in my inbox. There I was, minding my own business, munching at a bit of toast and sipping a nice cup of tea, when up popped a message from Rochelle asking me what I thought of a video Kent had done of one of my stories.

What did I think? I thought it was wonderful, a massive compliment and the best of Sunday surprises.

I hope you agree.

And here’s the original story:

The Dog and The Tree (Translated from the original by EL Appleby)

Tree was mostly happy with his lot, he had plenty of sun and his dear friend, Stream, flowed beneath his roots. If it wasn’t for that damned dog, everything would be perfect.

‘Woof!’ [1] said Dog, as he cocked his leg and pissed all over Tree’s knobbly trunk, ‘Woof-woofy-woof-woof!’ [2]

Tree had an idea, he whispered it to Stream, ‘Rustley-rustle-rustle?’ [3]

And Stream replied ‘Whoosh-trickly-whoosh-whoosh-wooshy-wooshy-woo.’ [4]

The next day, Dog came bounding along and lifted his leg, ‘Woof! Woof-woofy-woof-woof!’

Stream, who’d been holding his breath for a good hour, aimed a burst of icy water at Dog’s privates.

‘Yelp!’ [5] said Dog.

‘Rustle-rrrustle-rustle!’ [6] giggled Tree.

(100 words – translations below for those who don’t speak Doggish, Treese or Streamese)


[1] Hiya!

[2] Love ya, Tree, I really really love ya!

[3] Hey, Stream, I’ve got a plan to sort that damned dog out once and for all, you in?

[4] Ok.

[5] Fuck me, that’s cold!

[6] Best. Fun. Ever.

 

Friday Fiction: Nag Nag Nag

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copyright -Managua Gunn
copyright -Managua Gunn

Nag Nag Nag

Helga was dying for a piss. With hours remaining before her shift ended, she desperately tried to appease her nagging bladder.

‘I told you not to have that second cup of tea,’ it said.

Helga sighed, ‘Thanks, Bladder, but that’s not helpful.’

‘Just saying,’ said Bladder. ‘If you’d listened to me in the first place…’

‘Are you sure you’re in the right line of work?’ Helga asked. ‘Only maybe you’d be better suited to working ‘next door’… because you’re being a right arse!’

That shut Bladder up.

Helga relished the silence.

‘How long till dinner?’ grumbled Stomach. ‘I’m bloody starving!’

(100 words)

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For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

This week’s photo is courtesy of Managua Gunn.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!