The Maud Manoeuvre

PHOTO PROMPT © Roger Bultot
Photo by Roger Bultot

Although worms were hardly a gastronomic delight, when Maud died and was reincarnated as a brown sparrow, she embraced her new life with vigour. She’d been a heavy human, but now felt almost weightless as she sailed through the sky. She even invented her own little swoop, diving almost to ground-level then appearing to hop in mid-air before soaring up again. She called it the Maud Manoeuvre.

Her favourite pastime, however, was perching on the wire outside Number 22 with all the other sparrows. And shitting on her ex-husband as he left for work. She called that manoeuvre Just Desserts.

(100 words)

It’s been a while. I’m a little rusty and a day late, but here’s my silly (as always) offering for Friday Fiction. Click on the link below to see what other writers did with the prompt.

For more from me try this one: 100 word stories

Friday Fiction: The Ins & Outs of Love

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https://rochellewisofffields.files.wordpress.com/2014/07/roiling-cloud-1.jpg
Photo prompt copyright: Kelly Sands

The Ins And Outs of Love

They lie on their backs in her garden, watching the storm clouds roll by. It was Kate’s idea, she saw it in a film and hopes Sam will think her quirky, cool and romantic. Sam thinks it’s weird, but stays because he’s hoping for some action.

Kate is in love; Sam is in lust.

He makes his move…

Kate is inexperienced; Sam is in luck.

Her clothes slide off and he slides on…

Kate is in the buff; Sam is in Kate.

Something’s happening deep inside her…

Kate is in trouble.

Sam is in a taxi, heading out of town.

 

(100 words)

 

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For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Friday Fiction: #callingmrcupid

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photo prompt: Claire Fuller
Photo prompt: Claire Fuller

 

#callingmrcupid

The words flashed on the screen, the ones she’d been dreading for weeks. She’d been thrilled to discover online dating, and even more thrilled when she’d been matched with Derek. They chatted every day, sometimes late into the night. But now the moment had come:

derek_132: Let’s meet.

Her heart raced and sank in equal measures. She knew it would be a disaster, it always was. Men changed when they met her, every man she had ever known, and she couldn’t bear to lose Derek. Still, maybe this time it would be different.

medusa_1: How do you feel about snakes?

 

(100 words)

 

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For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Need more stuff to read? Give Firewords Quarterly a go (there’s one of my stories in Issue One!) NOW AVAILABLE AS A DIGITAL DOWNLOAD – CLICK HERE FOR MORE

carpe diem haiku: strawberry

strawberry

 

you are not a fruit

so stop pretending you are,

bloody pseudocarps

 ~

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/2/29/PerfectStrawberry.jpg

For Carpe Diem prompt no. 501: strawberry

Need more ha ha haiku? Click here 🙂

carpe diem haiku: ginkgo leaves

ginkgo leaves

 

I take you daily

in tablet form, however

I’ve forgotten why

 

~

http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/3/32/Ginkgo_biloba_scanned_leaf.jpg

For Carpe Diem prompt no. 500: ginkgo leaves

Need more ha ha haiku? Click here 🙂

carpe diem haiku: buttercups

buttercups

 held under your chin

yellow means you love butter

as does your wide waist

~

https://elappleby.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/19589-cimg0119.jpg

For Carpe Diem prompt no. 499: buttercups

Need more ha ha haiku? Click here 🙂

carpe diem haiku: butterfly

butterfly

you used to flit, but

your flitting days are over,

cruel formaldehyde

~

butterfliesFor Carpe Diem prompt no. 498: butterfly

Need more haiku humour? Click here 🙂

carpe diem haiku: nakedness & other dangly bits

nakedness

your drooping member

has given me the giggles

please put some clothes on

 

This is for the Carpe Diem Haiku prompt no. 497: nakedness, and it’s my first attempt at haiku. I’m probably not following the complex and myriad rules of haiku, but I enjoyed myself so much that I went back over some of this month’s earlier prompts.

Here’s my Carpe Diem June Catch Up:

nights of summer

drizzle penetrates

we shiver in cardigans

summer in Britain

~

after loving

we lie back and smoke

our post-coital cigarettes

then one of us farts

~

hot springs

miracle water

disappoints as it’s not quite

hot enough for tea

~

kissing

lips slip, noses bump

teeth clash, I wish I could kiss

like they do in films

~

breeze

a warm wind cometh

too much broccoli, methinks

better out than in.

~

dawn

we watch the sun rise

wide awake, praying for sleep

damned amphetamines

~

being lazy

I bought a stair-lift,

there’s nothing wrong with my legs

I just can’t be arsed.

 

Friday Fiction: Perforated Walls

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http://rochellewisofffields.files.wordpress.com/2014/06/old-wallpaper-mary-shipman.jpg
Photo prompt copyright Mary Shipman

 

Perforated Walls

Maureen was suffering from palpitations, mood swings and night sweats. Her mother recognised the symptoms immediately.

‘The Change, Mum? Seriously? I’m too young!’

‘Nonsense, dear,’ said her wise old mum. ‘It comes when it comes.’

That night, Maureen felt worse than ever.

*

Come morning, Maureen’s mother clambered over what remained of the door, ‘How was your night?’

‘The facial hair’s pretty unpleasant,’ Maureen said, surveying the destruction of the previous night, the shredded curtains, perforated walls and splintered furniture. ‘But running wild, eating whatever I damn well please was seriously liberating . And you say this happens every full moon?’

 

(100 words)

 

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For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.

Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!

Need more stuff to read? Give Firewords Quarterly a go (there’s one of my stories in Issue One!)

No More Picking Up Other People’s Shit

(This is the full version of my Friday Fiction story: Eau De Teenager’s Bedroom)

http://maryloudriedger2.files.wordpress.com/2011/10/2218399.jpg

 

No More Picking Up Other People’s Shit

 

JANUARY

Ellen pins her resolution to the notice-board: No more picking up other people’s shit.

‘Mummy swore!’ says her youngest, Lucy.

‘Challenge accepted,’ says her eldest, Danny.

 

FEBRUARY

A ripe pungency escapes from Danny’s room.

‘What’s that smell?’ asks Lucy.

‘Smell?’ says Ellen, adjusting the clothes-peg on her nose.

 

MARCH

Danny’s room disappears under magazines, washing, junk. He’s hunting for candles.

‘What for?’ asks Ellen.

‘Can’t find the light switch,’ says Danny. ‘Or the window.’

 

APRIL

‘I give up,’ Ellen adjusts her gas mask. ‘I’m coming in!’

Danny calls down the stairs, ‘Lucy, you owe me a fiver!’

 

MAY

Danny gloats.

Ellen glowers.

In her son, Ellen sees a young man who understands the meaning of the term ‘woman’s work’ and it makes her sick.

 

JUNE

Ellen pins her mid-year resolution to the notice-board: Everyone does chores.

Danny gets the dishes. He stomps. Lucy gets the hoovering. She cries.

‘But Mummy,’ she says. ‘I like hoovering and washing-up, why do I have to choose?’

In her daughter, Ellen sees a young girl who understands the meaning of the term ‘woman’s work’ and it makes her sick.

 

JULY

Danny washes up each night without complaint. He’s quick too. Ellen is pleased and celebrates with a fish and chip supper. She asks Lucy to fetch the plates.

There are no plates in the cupboard. There are no plates in the sink. Where are the plates?

Danny!

 

AUGUST

Ellen buys a new dinner set and stands over Danny while he washes up each night. Sometimes they talk.

Lucy no longer complains about not being allowed to clean and is playing in her room.

Progress, thinks Ellen.

(Lucy is secretly cleaning the bathroom, but we’ll let Ellen have her fantasy a little longer).

 

SEPTEMBER

It’s Danny’s seventeenth birthday! He wants a car, a computer and a personal maid.

Ellen wants to hit him on the head with a salami. She doesn’t though. She buys him a birthday cake, ten driving lessons and a pair of rubber gloves.

Lucy eyes the gloves jealously.

 

OCTOBER

Ellen steps up the ante. She shows Danny how to use the washing machine.

Danny actually shows an interest. Possibly because of the knobs, dials and flashing lights.

Lucy wants to clean the bathroom as part of her chores. Ellen agrees, it’s an easy job as the bathroom never seems to get particularly dirty.

 

NOVEMBER

Danny is thriving in his dual role of chief washer-upper and chief launderer.

(There was a Red Sock Incident early on, but Danny says pink is ‘in’.)

Ellen is looking forward to Christmas with her well-rounded, fully-functioning children.

 

 

DECEMBER

Ellen walks in on Lucy surreptitiously polishing the silver.

‘Would you look at that shine, mum!’ she says.

Ellen walks out.

Danny has an announcement.

‘I’m leaving college and opening a laundrette,’ he says.

There will be no brandy in the brandy butter this Christmas. It’s all in Ellen instead.

She pins a notice to the notice-board.

Buy more brandy, it says. And stop making bloody resolutions.