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Eau De Teenager’s Bedroom
January.
Ellen pins her resolution to the noticeboard: No more picking up other people’s shit.
‘Mummy swore!’ says her youngest, Lucy.
‘Challenge accepted,’ says her eldest, Danny.
February.
A ripe pungency escapes from Danny’s room.
‘What’s that smell?’ asks Lucy.
‘Smell?’ says Ellen, adjusting the clothes-peg on her nose.
March.
Danny’s room disappears under magazines, washing, junk,
‘What are the candles for, Danny?’
‘Can’t find the light switch,’ says Danny. ‘Or the window.’
April.
‘I give up,’ Ellen adjusts her gas mask. ‘I’m coming in!’
‘Stop!’ Danny points at her feet. ‘Shoes off first. Were you born in a barn?’
(100 words)
Following on from a couple of comments I received, and having a few hours to pass on a train yesterday, I wrote an extended version of this called No More Picking Up Other People’s Shit. Find out about Ellen’s next resolution, Lucy’s secret obsession and Danny’s future ambitions in this 500 word story!
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For those who don’t know, Friday Fictioneers is a challenge to write a 100 word story from a picture prompt. It’s hosted by Rochelle Wisoff-Fields, and anyone can play. Thanks for hosting, Rochelle! Check out the link below to see what other fictioneers did with this week’s prompt.
Need more Friday Fiction? Click the blue frog to read more stories from other fictioneers!
Need more stuff to read? Give Firewords Quarterly a go (there’s one of my stories in Issue One!)
EL Appleby: Brain Fragments 
LOL oh my, she lasted longer than I would have! And then the last line….classic El! 😉
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Thanks Jackie
I was trying to capture the illogic of teenagers, where a scummy room is fine but not shoes indoors, and not washing for days is ok, but clothes have to be cleaned (by mum)! They’re a fascinating species 🙂
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That’s what I’ve heard. I don’t have kids, but I knew enough of them 🙂
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Dear El,
I need a ‘love’ button to click for your stories. Danny’s acceptance of the challenge was masterful and this story is fantastic. i want to read her next resolution posted to the board.
Aloha,
Doug
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Hi Doug
You are lovely, and fast on your way to becoming my favourite commenter! You’ve also got me pondering what Ellen’s next resolution might be. Hmmmm, I will have to have a think.
Take care
EL
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Dear EL,
I didn’t know anyone had seen my eldest son’s bedroom as a teenager. I used to tell him that you could lose a body there and no one would know.
Well it nearly happened. One morning I went to wake him for work. He slept on a mattress on the floor. All I saw were clothes, books, shoes, socks, dirty dishes, you couldn’t tell bed from floor. After an hour I grew frantic as I imagined him dead in the street somewhere. Then a voice came from his room.
“Mom, why didn’t you wake me? I have to work today.”
Good job as always, EL.
Shalom,
Rochelle
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Hi Rochelle
That’s hilarious (and a little scary for you). As a student I always went for the cheapest digs I could find so lived in all kinds of squalor. In those places it was definitely shoes on! My kids havent come close to replicating that… yet.
All the best
EL
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Funny Rochelle! Nan 🙂
Dear Elappleby, I read the longer version and commented there. In my opinion, you win this week’s funniest story award – for me (I have 4 grown boys) it was so right on and then you have humor thrown in all over the place – great job! Nan 🙂
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Hey, everyone has their standards!! My brother’s room used to be a bit of a tip and my mom heroically let it be. Thanks for the laugh and congratulations on your story in the magazine. I wish I could buy one in the US without a horrendous shipping & handling.
janet
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Hi janet
I am like Ellen, I cave in eventually!
Sorry Firewords is so expensive to ship to the US. I’ll let them know the price makes it a non-starter and see what they say. Maybe they’ll do a special price for Friday Fictioneers!
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Well, I’ll say that’ll do it for him. Never underestimate the power of “Mom On Strike” day. Great “notice” you had on the noticeboard! Good one!
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Thanks Kent
I wasn’t sure about the ending on this one -it wasn’t a big punchline this week but something more subtle. Seems to have worked though 🙂
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Listen, don’t worry about the laughs. Humor is hard to write. Just be yourself. If there are laughs, great. If not, great, too!
It’s like when you’re at the grocery store and you put your ear to the grapes, you don’t hear them groaning, “Ugh! Uggggh! I gotta grow!” No, you hear this sound: “Zzzzzzzzz” because they’re quietly resting in the vine.
THINK GRAPE!
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Very funny! Typical of a teenage boy to take her note as a challenge rather than a veiled instruction 🙂
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Thanks – my son is coming up to that age and I think he’s going to be a challenge in his own right!
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El, That was hilarious once again. My daughter used to have two clothes piles on the floor. One was for clean clothes and the other for dirty. Your stories are always well written. 🙂 I’d love to order the magazine with your story, but I’m in India and my kids are in the U.S. My money is in rupees and I’m afraid to used a credit or debit card here. —Susan
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HI Susan
Thanks for your lovely comment. And I’m sorry about the magazine, it is a bit expensive if you’re abroad.
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A great story, El. Your structure worked extremely well. I’m with Doug, and want to watch the story unfold further. It works as it is, but I really liked these characters and want to see more of them.
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Hi Karen
Doug’s comment and yours together have inspired me to write another episode, so I spent my train journey today scribbling down some ideas – watch this space! (It won’t be a Friday Fiction sequel though, I’m not a fan of those, I’ll do it as a separate post.)
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Loved this. Very funny! And congrats on the publication of your story 🙂
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Thanks Jan
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It’s the smell I can’t fathom, even though my teens room is tidy it still smells foul!
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I think they order the smell in from a special ‘teenage spirit’ shop 🙂
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Nice to know something she taught him went in. I loved Lucy’s reaction to the resolution too! Great stuff
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I intend to write a bit more about these three as a separate post – and Ellen might wish she’d left well alone!
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I’m still laughing. Bloody Danny. He’ll go far.
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Thanks Patrick
He’s a real character
(hang on, no he isn’t, he’s a made up one 🙂 )
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As a mother of teenagers this really made me smile
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Thank you!
As a mother of teenagers, I’m hoping this doesn’t turn out to be a reality (so far, they’re lovely!)
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Poor Lucy. I would’ve lost my sanity much quicker than her. Someday, we might see Danny on a reality T.V. show called “Hoarding!” Wonderful story!
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Thanks Adelie. I would have caved in before it got to gas mask stage too!
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My daughter’s room might have ended up like that when she was a teenager. The boys were much neater!
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Same here – my daughter’s the messy, scatty one and my son’s pretty organised. But all the stories (mine included) are about messy boys. funny.
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[…] (This is the full version of my Friday Fiction story: Eau De Teenager’s Bedroom) […]
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No way I could last that long! Great story. 🙂
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I don’t think I’d last that long either. Thanks for your lovely comment!
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a great creative story !
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thank you!
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That was hilarious! Nice, punchy last line!
(I absolutely love these images: “…adjusting the clothes-peg on her nose,” and “Ellen adjusts her gas mask.”)
Your story-structure was perfect. Thanks for a good chuckle!
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thank you – I wasn’t sure about the last line but it seems to have worked. I did a full twelve month version of this story in my next post, which gives Lucy a few more lines.
Glad you enjoyed this one!
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I loved walking through the months waiting to see which side would flinch first. Great humor.
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Thank you
I feel bad for Ellen though, I should’ve made Danny the loser.
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Lost light switches and windows were my favorite. No! wait, the shoes off statement, or maybe . . . Well done.
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Thank you
the light switches and windows were my favourtie too!
🙂
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challenge accepted haha!! that was hilarious.
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Oh Lord, there was a flashback! Years ago, as a last resort, I bagged up all the shit sitting on my son’s bedroom floor and threw the bags out on the porch. He came home and looked at me dumbfounded – like I had lost my mind! Thanks for a hilarious reminder of days gone by!
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“shoes off first” what a hoot and what a great story!!! 😛
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This is funny! ! ! What a great concept.
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An enjoyable read that is so close to the truth 🙂
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The bare-faced cheek of it! She has to wear shoes or who knows what she might tread on. I love where this prompt took you.
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I couldn’t get past the spoon and alleged hypodermic on the table to really enjoy the story. Sorry.
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